Not enough
by likethephoenixfromtheashes
Summary: No summary for this one I'm afraid...but you can always check it out if you feel up to it ;) There's only one thing I can tell you...it's going to be a SQ story.
1. Dear Henry

**_Disclaimer: OUAT and all its characters belong to Adam Horowitz, Eddy Kitsis and ABC._**

* * *

_A/N: Hello everyone!_

_I know I'm behind on updating, but life got in the way over the last few weeks. _

_It's a rather stressful time, but I'm back to working on my updates and I promise I'll be back to "Take me to Wonderland" and "My heart is broken" within the next few days._

_Being frustrated with the show does not really get you into the writing spirit - maybe it's just me, but I'm not fond of the way the characters have changed._

_So, since I was not really happy with the turn on events I sat down to write out my frustration...and this is what came out. _

_I thought I'd let it stand alone at first, but some of my friends convinced me to turn it into a multi-chapter story...so, I might give it a shot._

_Have a nice weekend, everyone!_

_Thanks for your ongoing support - it means so much...and I'll see you all soon...in Wonderland ;)_

_Much love,_

_raven_

* * *

**NOT ENOUGH**

**by Raven**

**- Prolog**

_Dear Henry,_

_by the time you'll read this I'll be long gone._

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm sorry I didn't say Good Bye, but that's something I've never been good at._

_And to be honest – I think I couldn't have left if I had to look you in the eye._

_But the thing is..._

_I can't stay._

_This life has become too much of a burden._

_Magic has become too much of a burden._

_Ever since the day I drank that potion in Central Park, ever since I remembered I hoped that you wouldn't._

_I prayed that we wouldn't need to get your memories back to defeat Zelena, because that way we could have left._

_We could have left and gone back to the life Regina had so generously given us._

_But of course it didn't work that way._

_Nothing is ever that easy._

_And the moment you did remember, the moment you saw Regina for who she is – your mom – I knew I couldn't take you away from her again._

_I also realized that I can't make you choose between her and me, that I can't rip your home, your life away from you._

_I tried to convince myself that I could be happy in Storybrooke, that it would be okay to stay and for a while I believed I could do it, but when we finally succeeded in defeating Zelena yesterday and people immediately started to discuss whether to stay in Storybrooke or to go back to the Enchanted Forest I knew I had to leave._

_I know that you would probably have decided to come with me, but Henry...you would have been miserable, you would have missed so many people – and I can't do that to you._

_This way you'll only miss me._

_This magical world is not my life, not my home – it never has been, never will be._

_You on the other hand – you have the heart of the truest believer._

_I think you've always been destined to be a part of this._

_And I know you'll be fine – no matter if they'll decide to stay here or go back to the Enchanted Forest._

_Regina will always keep you safe._

_But this world our family comes from – it's not for me._

_Yes, I am the Savior, but I'm not really a child of the Enchanted Forest, I'm not even really the child of Snow and Charming._

_I'm no princess, Henry. _

_I could never take on the responsibility to lead, to guide, to reign a whole realm._

_That's not me._

_I'm Emma._

_Just Emma._

_And yet nobody ever sees that._

_I've been abandonded all my life, shoved from home to home, but never good enough to be kept, never worth the effort._

_Nobody ever chose me, I've always been just the easy way out of trouble._

_And then I came to Storybrooke after you showed up on my doorstep and as hard as it was – as much Regina and I fought – it made me feel worthy._

_Because she considered me a real threat, she took me serious._

_I found a home in this sleepy, little town – till the curse broke and everything went to hell._

_Yes, I am the savior._

_And that means I always have to jump right into the battle, even if it's not mine._

_I have to sacrifice my happiness whenever "duty" calls. _

_That's expected._

_And I always did._

_But where did it get me?_

_I lost Neal, who might not be my True Love, but he was your father and he was my friend._

_You've gotten into the line of fire more times than I can count – and I can't go on living like that._

_Constantly fearing for your life is too painful._

_Our life, the one good year we had, has been ripped away from us in the blink of an eye and it brought me back here where nobody needs Emma – just the Savior._

_Once again._

_My parents are having another baby, because having me is not enough._

_Because they've missed so much of my life._

_Well, I missed so much of their life too and yet I don't want more parents, different parents – they are enough._

_But I am not._

_They want the whole experience, not some damaged daughter, who has not become the little princess they've been hoping for, so I'm getting replaced again._

_I'm good enough to put my life on the line, to save everyone, but I'm not enough for my parents to want me and only me._

_The only one who ever saw me, who ever understood me – is your mom._

_No matter how rocky our start might have been – Regina and I have a certain understanding for each other._

_She never expected me to save her, but I did._

_I wanted to._

_And she saved me too._

_On more than one occasion. _

_Even when we hated each other, we still had each others back._

_And we got to respect each other, we became friends._

_We looked out for each other._

_But she has Robin now._

_She's finally gotten the chance she deserves and I wish her nothing, but happiness._

_But she doesn't need me anymore._

_She has you, she has Robin and little Roland._

_She has a family now._

_And I don't want to end up caught in the middle – between my perfect parents and Regina's happy ending._

_In a town or even a realm where I don't wish to be._

_I have to put myself first for once._

_I have to be my priority, my first choice, because nobody else will ever choose me._

_Please, don't hate me for this, Henry._

_I'm really trying to do what's right, what's best for everyone._

_I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but you would have tried to stop me and if I would have stayed – nobody would have been happy._

_I would have made everyone sad._

_I'm not giving you up, Henry...I'm just letting you go._

_To find your way, to live your life._

_I believe that, if the occasion calls for it – we'll find each other._

_It's in our blood after all._

_Know, that nothing of this is your fault, Henry._

_You've been nothing, but amazing and you are the one thing I'm proud of in life._

_You're the one thing I did right._

_I'll never forget you, kid._

_I'll keep all our memories close to my heart._

_Thank you for believing in me when nobody else did, for having faith in me when I doubted myself – that means more to me than you'll ever know._

_You might not understand my actions now, but I'm sure you will...one day._

_And I hope that you will be able to forgive me then._

_Take care, Henry._

_And take care of your mom for me too._

_You're so brave, you've always been._

_Now be brave for me._

_I love you, Henry._

_Always have, always will._

_No matter where I'll be, no matter where you'll be..._

_Emma_


	2. Let her go

_A/N: Hello everyone!_

_Thanks to everyone, who followed, favorites this piece or me._

_Special thanks to the review writers!_

_And thanks to the ones who dropped me messages - even if some of them could be considered quite offensive._

_Let me tell you two things: I was aware that this letter, that my point of view is not for everyone. I know some people share my opinion, others don't. I knew that it would provoke different reactions and that's okay._

_Not everybody has the same opinion._

_That's okay._

_If some of you had the intention to "hurt" or truly offend me with your words - well, let me say that it takes a lot more than that._

_I am always open to criticism - as long as it is objective and reasonable._

_What some people had to say was nothing, but childish and narrow-minded, but sadly it did not surprise me, because I've became aware that a part of the ONCE fandom is really creepy a long while ago._

_Never have I seen so much hate in a fandom before and I've been part of a couple._

_Anyway..._

_The other thing I wanted to say is - sometimes we have to turn our back on the people/things we love the most in order to save ourselves, simply because the relationships we have are toxic and are killing us one way or the other._

_If you've never experienced anything like it you might not be able to understand, but the ones that have will know what I'm talking about._

_That said...on with the story, because that's all it is in the end._

_A story, a different point of view._

_For the ones who will continue reading...thanks for your support and understanding...and enjoy!  
_

_Much love,_

_raven_

* * *

**NOT ENOUGH  
Chapter 1**

**- Let her go**

"Mom...MOM!"

Henry came rushing into the study without warning, a piece of paper in hand, obviously all worked up and Regina immediately tensed.

What now?

There could not possibly be a new villain or anything like that.

Not yet at least.

They had defeated Zelena only yesterday.

But why was Henry so upset then?

And was one day without drama really too much to ask?

"Henry, please calm down...whatever it is...we'll figure it out. And if it's something big we'll discuss it at the town meeting in a few minutes..." Regina stated, looking at the clock on the far wall, "Which reminds me...we have to leave. I don't want to be late."

Henry glared at her, breathing heavily, exhausted from the sprint over to the mansion.

His lungs were on fire, but he did not care.

He had woken up to find Emma gone, had woken up to find only a letter.

A letter that had shaken him to his very core.

"You...don't...understand", he yelped between gasps, "Emma..."

Regina tilted her head, curiosity shining in her eyes.

What had the blonde done now?

Probably one of her magic experiments had gone wrong and she had turned herself into a toad or something.

One never knew when it came to Emma Swan.

"What about Emma?"

"She's gone."

Henry blurted it out without a filter, because he had not been able to process the news yet. At least not to their full extent.

"What do you mean she's gone? Where is she?"

Regina had no idea what her son was talking about.

Emma? Gone?

Why? When? And how?

Magic? A new curse?

What was going on?

"You might want to read this..." Henry handed Regina the piece of paper Emma had left for him.

Regina grabbed the letter and her eyes got wide as soon as she read the first line.

No.

And as she kept roaming over the line filled paper, over each painful sentence her eyes only grew wider, tears welling in the corners.

No!

_You would have missed so many people – and I can't do that to you. This way you'll only miss me...Regina will always keep you safe...I'm Emma. Just Emma...never good enough to be kept...Nobody ever chose me...as much as Regina and I fought – it made me feel worthy...nobody needs Emma – just the Savior...My parents are having another baby, because having me is not enough...they are I am not...I'm good enough to put my life on the line, to save everyone, but I'm not enough for my parents to want me and only me..._

Regina had to stop reading, had to take a breath.

She could not believe it.

Never had she thought that Emma would do that, that Emma would leave them.

That Emma would leave Henry.

She had been aware that Emma was not too happy in Storybrooke, but obviously she had missed how bad it really had been.

_The only one who ever saw me, who ever understood me – is your mom...Even when we hated each other, we still had each others back...But she has Robin now...But she doesn't need me anymore..._

God, Emma was so wrong. So very wrong.

She would always need her.

_I have to be my priority, my first choice, because nobody else will ever choose me..._

That was not true, now was it?

_And take care of your mom for me too...You're so brave, you've always been. Now be brave for me._

Regina could barely hold her tears back.

Even now Emma cared for her and her well being.

But how could she? How could she have left?

Just like that?

Without a good bye?

Without a chance?

A chance for what?

It was true, was it not?

Emma had been right.

They had not chosen Emma, they had chosen the Savior.

After a painful Good Bye in Storybrooke about a year ago Regina had given her a fresh start, a new life – together with Henry.

But when Glinda had told them that Zelena's weakness was Light Magic they had decided to find Emma.

They had known right away that Emma had to be their savior once again, never questioning what it would do to her.

Never thinking about what she would probably have to leave behind.

Never considering that they would possibly destroy her life again, that they would take her happiness away from her all over again.

God, how selfish they had been.

Regina sighed heavily.

How on earth should she explain that to Snow and David?

Because no matter how close they had become over the last weeks, no matter that they had finally grown to be a family after all this years – Regina was mad.

Mad as hell.

How could the Charming never have seen it?

How could they have been so ignorant?

And not to mention the new baby.

Had they ever thought about how that would make Emma feel?

They had sacrificed their daughter and her happiness all over again.

Sure, she had been a part of this as well, but she was The Evil Queen for crying out loud.

At least in the Enchanted Forest she had been.

Probably not as evil anymore, but still – she would never be a nice, loving and caring person there.

But in Storybrooke she had secretly been happy to have Emma around again.

She had enjoyed her company, her friendship, had appreciated the blonde's trust in her although Emma knew who she had been. Who a part of her would always be.

They had bonded over the years and while Regina would never admit it – she had missed Emma during their year in the Enchanted Forest.

She had not remembered it for the longest time, but once her memories had hit her with full force she had seen, had felt the truth.

And the truth was that, even if Emma infuriated her at times like no one else ever had, Regina needed Emma in her life.

They were equals and in a weird way they completed each other – like Ying and Yang.

But now Emma was gone and Regina had no idea how to deal with that.

* * *

The town meeting had been rescheduled, because Snow had been too devastated.

Charming had dropped to his knees in disbelief once Regina had broken the news of Emma's disappearance to them and although she felt sorry for them a part of her had wanted to shake them and scream in their faces if they still could not see what they had done.

But Henry's presence had kept her from doing so and she was thankful for that.

It did nothing to take her anger away from her though.

Not even Robin could calm her down and right this moment she wished that she had never crossed paths with him.

Maybe Emma would have felt needed then.

Maybe she would not have left.

How would Henry handle this?

How would he cope with the "loss" of his birth mother?

Especially since he had moved heaven and hell to find her in the first place.

Regina's anger only grew when she thought about that – she was not only angry at the Charmings, but also at Emma for leaving her son. Again.

And she was mad at herself for not seeing it coming, for not talking to Emma when she had known quite well that the blonde had been miserable.

"So, what do we do? How do we find her?"

David's voice brought her back to the here and now and Regina scoffed, "What do you mean? It's not like we could form a search and rescue team and go looking for her. None of us can cross the town line if you recall."

Was that man really that stupid?

"But we have to do something!" Snow insisted, "I mean...people want to go back home, Regina. We can't leave this realm without Emma. We are her family."

Regina cursed herself for stoping Henry from showing the Charmings Emma's letter. She had wanted to save them the pain, but obviously that had been a mistake.

Yes, they had come to an agreement that they had to take responsibility for their people, that they had to return to the Enchanted Forest to right all the wrongs of the past, but clearly Emma had no intention of ever going back there.

"I could sail to New York...I'll convince her to come back", Hook interrupted all of a sudden and Regina rolled her eyes.

Of course that idiot pirate would not stay out of this.

Emma had not even mentioned him in her letter, so why would she listen to him? He clearly was not that important to her.

But he was right about one thing – he could leave Storybrooke.

So, if she wanted to see Emma again he was their only chance.

Needless to say that Regina did not like that one bit.

* * *

Henry had been awfully quiet the next couple of days, his usually sparkling eyes empty.

It had broken Regina's freshly replaced heart to watch him like this, but she had known better than to push him, because it would have only driven him away.

She had learned from her mistakes.

And although she despised Hook with every fibre of her being Regina hoped that he would succeed in bringing Emma back, because she needed to see Henry smile again.

She needed to see Emma's smile again.

But of course Hook returned alone.

Not because he failed in convincing Emma though, but because he had not even found her.

Obviously the blonde had not returned to New York, had not returned to her old life.

And since there was no magic in the real world, not even one of Regina's location spells would have helped and the globe Gold had used to locate Henry in Neverland was missing since the Dark Curse had brought them back to the Enchanted Forest over a year ago.

The only way to find Emma would be the traditional one, but Regina doubted that they would succeed, because Emma obviously did not want to be found and as a former bounty hunter she definitely had a huge advantage when it came to hiding from someone.

So, Emma really was lost to them, especially since no one had any idea where she could have gone, because if she had not returned to New York, she would not have returned to Boston either – because clearly she would know that that would be everybody's second guess.

They would have to come up with a new idea, but for now Regina had to focus on the people currently present in her living room including the Charmings and their baby, Granny and Ruby, Hood, Whale, Grumpy, Hook, Archie Hopper, Rumple and Belle.

They had come together to decide what to do about their plan to return to the Enchanted Forest, because people had no intention to stay longer than necessary.

Everyone wanted to go home for good.

But as soon as Regina entered the living room, a tablet with drinks in hand, she was met with nothing, but uncomfortable silence and she knew this was far from over, because nobody wanted to go back to the Enchanted Forest without their Savior.

"What are we going to do? How do we find her?" David paced the room restlessly.

Regina shrugged helplessly, "I hate to admit it, but I have no idea."

"What about the globe?" Snow suggested hopefully, "If we found it..."

"I'm sorry to disappoint you, dearie..." Gold interrupted, "As I already pointed out...nobody knows where it is...but if I were to guess...I'd say...chances are high that it is not in this realm."

"But we can't go home without her...we have to find her!" David insisted when Henry entered the room, leaving everybody speechless for a second.

Regina stood up and put an arm around her son, worry shining in her eyes, "Henry, what are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you what we'll do about Emma."

The sincerity in his voice was surprising everyone in the room.

"What do you mean, Henry?" Snow asked in confusion, "We'll find her of course...that's what we'll do."

"No!"

He shook his head vehemently, "No. Emma thought I wouldn't understand her, but I do. It doesn't mean I'm not sad...It doesn't mean I'm not mad at her for not saying good bye...but I do understand...she has a right to have a life of her own. She is more than the Savior...she deserves to be happy too. But she'll never be if she always has to fight everyone's battles...she doesn't want this life...that's why she made this decision and we have to accept that."

"Henry, we can't just..." Snow stopped mid-sentence when she looked at Henry and caught the seriousness in his eyes, "What do we do?"

He cleared his throat, his gaze never wavering though, "Let her go."


	3. Just Emma

_A/N: To answer the guest question: yes, this was about private messages, not about reviews._

_But don't worry...it's all good._

_I'm used to stuff like that by now._

_Anyway..._

_thanks for the support and for taking a chance with this story - even if you not necessarily agree with my point of view._

_Thanks to all who are following, favoriting and reviewing - you are so awesome!_

_much love, _

_Raven_

* * *

**NOT ENOUGH**

**Chapter 2**

**-Just Emma**

The first few days were easier than Emma would have expected.

She had thought that she would be devastated, but she had been too busy to think much.

First she had headed straight for New York to gather her few belongings and some money in a rush, leaving the town only a few hours after her arrival.

After that she had spent hours in her car, driving without destination and yet she had felt like a bounty hunter again, because she had spent hours observing or driving to catch some of the bad guys back in the day.

She had stopped at some small motel in Vermont for two days studying the map, planning what to do and where to go till she had made up her mind.

It had not been easy to make a decision without so many opportunities at hand, but in the end she had found a place that fit her expectations.

A place where she could start over new, a place where she could be Emma.

Just Emma.

For a moment she had debated over moving to the West Coast, to one of the warmer states where she could enjoy the sun, but in the end she had made a completley different decision.

Even if unpleasant at times she had grown fond of the stormy weather in Maine, she had come to love the sound of the ocean and the smell of the salty air especially on the rainy days and so she had found a town only a few hours of drive away from Storybrooke.

She had not dared to stay in Maine, but had not wanted to leave the area altogether.

And once she had arrived at her destination luck had been on her side for once, because she had found a comfortable and affordable apartment right next to the harbour right away – view right onto the ocean and all.

Emma had feared getting a job would not be that easy, but that problem had solved itself a couple of days after her arrival.

She had been out to get to know the area and had ended up in a bar called "Moby Dick's", much to her amusement, when two drunken fishermen had gotten into a fight which she had stopped with ease – thanks to her bounty hunter qualities and her time handling Leroy in Storybrooke.

Both had given her quite the experience.

Her actions had caught the eye of a man named Bill McMullen – Chief of the local harbour patrol.

He was a tall man in his mid-fifties, grey hair and beard, a bit grumpy and harsh round the edges, but he turned out to be a truly gentle soul once Emma started talking to him.

He asked questions about her former jobs and seemed to be impressed with her skills which lead to Bill McMullen offering her a job and Emma agreed right away, knowing that it might be her best shot, aware that she could always look for something else at a later point.

She was unbelievably relieved and happy when she came home that night, but that was the moment everything sunk in.

Standing in her new apartment, ten days after leaving Storybrooke, she had a new chance, but no family anymore.

Till this day she had pretended to be "on vacation", on a mission, a job and it had worked.

She had missed Henry, had missed her parents and even Regina, had missed the sleepy little town in Maine, but it had only been present in the back of her mind.

But in this very moment she could not pretend any longer.

She had left her son, her parents and her friends – she had left the people she loved the most.

To be herself.

To be Emma.

Just Emma.

No magic, no savior, no witches, wizards and Evil Queens.

No orges, no portal, no nothing.

She had chosen the simply life, the life she had known since she could remember.

She had chosen the real world over the dream.

Because in the end that is what living in Storybrooke had felt like.

A dream.

Sometimes even a nightmare.

But even in a world without magic everything had a price.

And the price was loneliness.

During her time in Storybrooke, surrounded by people who cared about her, during her time in New York with Henry and Regina's fake memories, she had forgotten what it had been like to be just Emma.

Being Emma meant to be alone.

Being Emma meant to have no one to turn to, meant having no one to laugh or cry with.

There was no one waiting for her when she came home, no one who was proud of her, believed in her.

There was no one to motivate her, keep her going.

And it made her wonder if she had made the right decision.

Would she find happiness here?

What if it had been a mistake to leave her family?

What if she could have been happy in the Enchanted Forest – because Emma was sure that everyone would want to return there.

It was their home after all.

No, she could not have been happy there.

No need to doubt that – she knew.

She was not a princess, she had no interest in living in a castle, following rules and etiquette, attending balls, wearing dresses and gowns, getting married to some charming prince.

That was not her.

That would never be her.

But what about her destiny?

She was the Savior.

She was supposed to keep people safe – people who were depending on her.

What about Henry?

Would he ever forgive her?

What would the others think about her?

Emma could not hold the tears back any longer, because all the pain she had kept in over the last weeks finally found its way to the surface.

She felt so torn, desperate and full of doubt.

Broken and stitched back together one too many times.

She cried over the death of Neal, over the loss of her family.

She cried because she missed Henry so much that it physically hurt.

She cried because of all the missed opportunities.

She cried because all the tension and fear that Zelena had inflicted finally faded.

She cried over the life she never had and over the one she would never have.

She cried because there was no way back.

And once she was out of tears she went over to her closest, opened it and pulled a framed picture out of one of her bags.

A picture of Regina and Henry stolen from the mansion.

A picture taken long before she had known them, long before they had needed her.

A picture filled with smiles, filled with warmth on a day when their world had been fine.

And it would be again.

Without her.

They would be okay.

She put the frame on the nightstand, ignoring the aching in her chest when she looked at it and headed for the bathroom.

She needed a shower to calm herself, to wash away the pain.

But once she was out of her clothes Emma took a look into the mirror to realize that the person staring back at her was just a shadow of herself.

She had lost everything, she was bare.

In every sense.

Just Emma.


End file.
